Saturday, January 13, 2007

The Aftermath: Cold Sweats

This is just unbelievable.

I was already very pleased with not having had any sex on the Ferris Bueller night, as I took the time to explain yesterday. Turns out there’s more to it. I think the shitty DVD player virtually saved my life!

Seriously. I was procrastinating pretty late last night (which is what insomniacs usually do) and chatting with the amazing Sabrina_C (which is what righteous bloggers usually do), when I took a look at one of the three condoms I had purchased for the occasion on Thursday night.
Having nothing better to do between two witty replies from Sabrina, I auscultated the packaging in detail. And here is what it reads:

“This product is intended to help prevent pregnancy. It does not protect against HIV infection (AIDS) and other sexually transmitted diseases. In order to help reduce the risk of transmission of many STDs, including HIV infection (AIDS), use a latex condom.”

Can you believe this? What the f*** is going on here? Who would design and sell a condom that doesn’t protect against STDs? It’s like selling an umbrella that doesn’t protect against downpours, only showers! Who are these people?

The name of the brand is Naturalamb. It is distributed by Church & Dwight Co., Inc., in New Jersey.

DO NOT BUY THOSE CONDOMS. They sit on the condom aisle at Duane Reade, along with the other brands, without any warning of any kind. The box says they feel great, and they’re even a bit more expensive than the others, so you’re actually paying a premium for a chance to catch a nasty STD! How fucked-up is that?

And if this merely aims at avoiding litigation, why would you scare the shit out of people like that?

OK, let the anger come back down. Breathe in, breathe out. There’s a minimal chance she had AIDS alright, but still… I could have caught a minor, pain-in-the-ass disease! Those condoms should be prohibited from sale.

In any event, I’m so glad I didn’t get laid!

6 comments:

Unknown said...

Rule of thumb, lambskin condoms WILL NOT protect you against anything. Sounds like those are the kind you may have. They are a waste of space. Latex or polyurethane (polyurethane are thinner, stronger and rate higher in the pleasure department but are more expensive) with nonoxynol-9 will knock that disease stuff right out. Glad you dodged a bullet the other night.

Simon Zelig said...

Did everyone but me know about this?

Unknown said...

Don't look at it that way my man. Consider it as the fates smiling upon you and giving you a valuable lesson in the least painful of ways.

Sun Follower said...

Thanks for the warning - I wil take those in my medicine cabinet and make balloon animals with them.... first up, a giraffe!

nuns noise nooses said...

who are you masked man?

Simon Zelig said...

I'm just a sweet transvestite.